Mind-Fucked

How does it feel

to drive home crying?
i dunno how to describe
it just sucks

im becoming slightly more grown up
i stop the upfront ranting
cause its a neverend
as the days goes by
the tears got lesser

as much as i am pretty mind-fucked-up about things
i look forward to the day
that day

the 23rd

For 2 years
i have celebrated my birthday in either
-KTV pub OR
-KTV
with a group of people
whom might not necessarily have a strong link in one way or another
or whom had seen each other since the last birthday

and i would think
for both times
it wasnt exactly great
the people who appeared diligently might not be the ones i really heart
the people whom i heart might not necessarily turn up sincerely
thus
it defeats the purpose of the celebration
or maybe i just wanted a group of people to surround me on that particular day
thats all

its June
3 months more to my 23rd
why did i bring up all these?

a sudden twink of idea
For the year of 2008
The month of September holds 30 days

A personal desire
A personal challenge
whether will there be a celebration
nobody knows
but i promise to myself
i will spend every single day in September
in celebration of my special day
in this special year
where many traumas have taken place
to mark the year of tremendous growth
where a girl turns officially to become a lady

if possible
i will meet a different person every day
for 30 days
Cheers to all your special day

Big Girls Dont Cry

Many days since i stayed at home
played game throughout last night till this morning 7am

depression mode still on
really trying to find a motivation to pick myself up

people relations/school/work/family
nothing seems to be going well

Am going to phuket in July with the rest of the team..
sure hope it will be a good session =)

i am required to go to school on monday
*fear*
dunno what is going to happen
what is going to be said
i guess facing professor is worst than facing my own mother
which i haven done so
she asked me regarding the school loan and i could only brush off the topic

as much as i would want to work to prove myself
with the school unsettled
i just cant pick myself up to chiong sales
work 1 week, off 1 week
i have no motivation and clear idea of my goals
i agree
but what can i do?

my job requires me to meet people & socialise
yet there are people whom i am avoiding to meet
to avoid the sensitive topics
but how long can i hide?

i understand that i am not the only one in the world to have problems
and my problems might not be the most critical of all
which is why
as much as i am down
i still care for the people around me
i am learning
to give without expecting a get so immediate

July seems like a month
when all my problems will come to an end pretty much
if there is god
let me pray to god
to give me a peaceful next 2 weeks

If i really want my year end Europe trip
i really got to get working very soon
I can see the potential
I can see My potential
but 1st
clear all the obstacles
i need the time
but thats what i am seriously lacking now

P.S where is a good & serene place to be where thoughts can be sorted out?

Back to Square One

to where it all began

to where it all started

to what i was before



again



another lonely phase of my life



the void of my heart gets wider

so much so

i no longer knows what can fill it up



from having a soulmate

to not having one at all

seemingly



its my personality

i have a flaw

i am weird

irritating

or whatever you can call it



i like company

i dread loneliness

i want success

i hate failures



but all the bad things

its coming together



no one needs to tell me anything

everyone has their rights

but why does it seems like i do not

or is it that i chose not?



im putting on a false front every day

every fucking single day

my heart wrenchs almost every other day

for what reason i do not know

for every laughter i had in the day

it pays back with sorrowness in the night

the tough growing up

How would you feel when your peers have all graduated.
except u

I feel alone

Growing up i never wanted to feel lonely

I
never wanted to eat alone
never wanted to catch a movie alone
never wanted to be left alone

i am listening to the radio again
thats the first thing i do the moment i step back into my room for the past 3 days
to have music engulf my heart

Over the past week
i felt i grew up
emotionally, psychologically, spiritually

the number of times i cried in the past week
surpass the number of times last month
the number of times i cried this year
surpass the whole of last year

is my life that screwed this year?
or am i just taking it that hard?
no conclusion on that yet

I really try to be positive
I try to joke, to laugh, to engage in conversations
but for every second left alone,
the emptiness haunts me

in the end
i did not have an appointment today
but i had much learning + enrichment

for the past 2 nights
i hung out with people i din used to
ppl i always felt din cared for me
maybe it was superficial
maybe it was more of digging news
yet
physically i was comforted

in times like these
when u need someone to be around
you start to wonder
where are my friends?
who are my confidants?

those i thought i could bare my soul and sorrows
are not there for me
those who are there
we are not close enough to have heart-to-heart talks

i had people who bothered in a way
i had people who called up to ask how was i
i had people who called up to get me out
yet
this is countable with just 1 hand

is this scenario sad?
maybe
or maybe this is just what we usually term as :Reality:

Tuned to Class95 now.

I feel better
I feel changed

for the last 2 days
i fell asleep with the radio on
i can no longer stand the silent night

for the last 2 days
i had to be pretty alone
and alone for tomorrow as well

am i feeling better?
i seriously do not know
since the last entry
there have been calls, pats, to console
and to find out how have i been
its deeply appreciated

but the angel in my heart is still too weak
to stand against the devil

i can laugh
but i cant smile from my heart
i can drag myself off bed to office
just to ruin my day
i can do 101 nice things
but it only takes 1 to spoil a rapport
i can shout & cry
but it will not mean anything for someone who don't care

today was a bad day

the friend who should at least bother, do not
those who should just leave me alone, do not

my eyes are so tired now
its almost impossible for me to continue handling the intensive emotional pressure

Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

3 days down.
i think i am finally okay.

3 different days
Sharing with 3 different person

Elvina is young, childish & emotional
Elvina has and will become strong and stronger

A little setback in life
is nothing
30 years later
She shall look back and smile at her little moment of foolishness

I shall live my life strong
and live it without reliance
I shall live for myself and only myself

Friends are whom we shall our happiness with
not necessary our sorrows
do not despair
for they are not obligated to do so
would i prefer my friends to share joy with me
or share my sorrows together

we are child of the universe
so insignificant
the world doesnt revolves around us, around me
be grateful for people who stand by u during down times
do not grieve when people do not bother

whatever your broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world

tomorrow is a new day
a new life
a new Elvina

being emotional
hitting the raw spot
i will still cry
but after each sobbing
i will grow strong

for the next 1 month its going to be tough
to start meeting people
meeting friends
to share my pain
yet
i shall

to face problems, is to face oneself

so

yes.

my friends,
i have not graduated.

A ball not held, but juggled, through the highs and lows

the saying goes...

when things are already at its worst, it can only get better..

do i feel that now?
i dunno
how would i know if its the worst now?
though it is pretty horrible

last night was bad.
very bad.
outflow of emotions
from everyone.
to everyone.

today?

woke up with a bad stomach wrenching for nth
i had no appt, no work
but had to go office for submission

from 1230pm till 1140pm
full 11 hours of?

from Amk --> Bukit Merah --> Eunos office --> GE HQ --> Bukit Timah --> Woodlands --> Bedok --> Bukit Merah --> Amk

it wasnt exactly early,
wasnt late also
but i din wan to force anyone to go out with me anymore

since yesternight
i know i cant get any lower than what i already changed to be

a person can be insensitive
but when one wants to meet the other for particular thing
he/she will sms the party
he/she will think of the thing
he/she will find out the details

but when one party forces the other to do sth
the party will say "See How"
"See how things go, See how is the mood, See how i can find more excuse"

Prospect let us earn money
Clients give us business
So?

Your client set time, they get to know when to meet
Your friends call to jio, they get to know u steady or not
Your gf one call, immediately tomorrow night is taken
I asked ten times
all is See How.

I get to hang out just because i tag along,
just because i offer to send
just because i can be a time filler

If i had a litre of tears
its draining out real fast

can someone really bring me out because he want to bring me out?

做人难,做女人更难,要做个有尊严的女人难上加难

Someone told me today i am not acting like my self

but it was never a matter of today
but it had been some time

from the day i asked for money
i lost my dignity & independence

Expenses can be fixed / variable, discretionary or non-discretionary
the worst type being variable discretionary
and when someone tells u that u belong to the worst type of expenses and is totally unnecessary
what would u feel?

i felt the reality.

emotional & financial cant be placed on the same weighing scale.

today, when i have the transport
i can offer
to send ppl around free
i get appreciation
lots of it
but this, to alot of ppl, is an act of kindness
a nice gesture
not an unneccessary expense
because apparantly u dont literally take out money from your pocket

I hate to beg
and when reality slaps in
that all along i have been forcing ppl my way
begging for things to go my way
it pains me

i shldnt go on any trips
i shldnt buy anything be it for myself or others
i shldnt take any cabs
i shldnt eat
i shldnt do anything that costs money

i should just work, and work, and work
to earn the money
to spend it with dignity

i should just wait, and wait, and wait
for that someone who wouldnt see me as something so discardable
who would feel for me when i suffer

maybe u will read it
he will read it
i will come back and read this
it doesnt matter
it might not even matter to me anymore when u see this
i learn to recover fast from unhappiness
i just need a bigger heart, to lock up the unhappiness