无底洞

i still cant get my program working

and its due tmr
im so screwed

those who can help or willing to help
have put down their stuff to help
to try their best
what more can i demand for?

i did the good thing i mentioned yesterday
that's volunterarily offering to send ppl around

it's times like these i realised i really can be a very nice person if i want to

sometimes being overly nice may even be deemed as stupid or silly
it's just like what i am now

i always know the fact that the amount of things u give out doesnt equate the things you will receive
attachment and loves doesnt equate as well

the person i will like wun like my lifestyle
the person whom i share my lifestyle with, i wun like

once again, i see the dark side of relationships again

too long not blogging
too many things happening

fyp corks up again
demo postponed again
by monday
by hook
by crook
if not , i'm screwed

exams are coming
i have not started preparing
as usual
the final semester in my 4 years
suddenly
the feeling that i have never properly cherished ntu
the honors class, the results is not the most important thing to me
but the unfulfiling university life is what i regret

but one thing i know for sure
elvina has grown up
innocent to complicated
mature i would not say
complex is more fitting

work is becoming more positive
at least i have already 9 appts next week
all cold appointments though
i have faith.
MAY would be a good month
i just need to tide through april with all the exams and fyp presentations

lingoo have some problems recently
met up with her yesterday
i asked her one thing "y we both meet up with such fucked up stuff?"
she has her conclusion on how aries behaves which seems true
interesting in a way

i set myself some objectives after my school which will finally come to an end
i need to put my focus on other things already
and there are things i need to start pulling away from
to stop having expectations on

supposed to be rushing my fyp program now
but slacked from jus now till now watching drama
i even have this super nice intention to go run a super nice errand
*better wake up*
but 70% chance i might... since i am also super fucking bored

Should i stop searching?

l.o.n.e.l.y

i'm alone at home

sihui stayed over last night with me instead
she have gone to school

i should be doing my fyp yet i'm watching 公主小妹..

feeling hungry, no lunch buddy.. though sihui say she will come back
feeling lonely, no one to accompany me
feeling worried, they have started their mini meeting.. how would it end..

will i get preaching session again?

I think the time has come

the fluctuation of moods
the gf problem
the changing of msn nick
the sensitive and kaypoh team
the probing of things

that was basically what went on with my life for the past few days
sucks

for the month of jan & feb i din have proper production
slack i should say, coupled with pressure
for consecutively 2 group meetings i felt sian

this is a career about networking
socialising
production recognition

apparantly my team recognise something as more important
- diligence

i am straying away from my manager's ideal
in other words, not so 听话 anymore as before
he see it as a cause for me 'following' the wrong person

he showed his disappointment with me
i was affected
i felt probably if i did produce some results despite my busy upcoming schedule in school it will be alrite

i felt march started good

1 X $150 GSP
30k GGP
30k Choice Investment
1 X SHP
1 X Totalshield

On the way ...
5 X SHP
5 X Totalshield
Investment topups

With the intentional reduction in activities, i felt i did okay after just talking to 2 person this month.

No, that was not the case.
This is not fantastic results, i know
But it is totally not kept in view, not bothered

I was helping soulmate with something yesterday
and again my manager voiced out his unhappiness

"Why are you helping people do things that's not your stuff?"
"I din know you are so free to be helping others"
"I din push you so far coz i tot you are busy with your FYP and stuff, yet you still got free time do all these"
"hai... 一个愿打,一个愿挨.."

I was stunned. And replied

"I did my stuff before i helped & it's not as though i din do work and submit cases"

I walked off.
There can be ppl who are full timers, dun produce, yet get encouragement all the way, get praises for every small case..

but when i initiatively just submit case, it seems invisible

is that the team culture?
is it that political?

yes, at the end of the day, i earn my money still.. but if i'm not exactly happy, how ?

when i told soulmate all these, he was pissed with the behavior too
impulse got over him and...
today they are going to hold a mini meeting
the agenda..
"discussing regarding the bad team culture, gossips and misgivings"

my manager once told me any time i lose faith in this biz or face problems i must tell him
is this the time?
is there even a need to do so?


worse thing comes one after another
as i reached home last night and chatting with soulmate
again
we had some 'arguments' regarding certain issues
accounting for my change of nick

i'm really affected by him in a way
no, there is still no love to speak

but yes, alot of concern
alot of reliance
alot of emo

he is just like my confidant
my emotional support

i think this is going the wrong direction
i know for sure that if i start to pull away, he will not bother

for someone who dun do concrete actions even when it's the gf...
what's more i'm just a soulmate?

maybe it is really the time

P.S. I want to watch leap years too

my manager told me this sometime last last week
"i never would have expected that by recruiting u, things would become like that"
""everthing is okay now 'cos things are still fine, but when things go wrong, it may turn out very ugly,please know how to handle it"
"please know what you are doing"
"when i recruited u, i din felt you were like this, you had ideals and goals"
"you have changed"



wrong move.


as time goes by, i'm getting more and more wary of hitching a ride from my manager as it becomes a situation whereby i'm trapped in the car with him and no chance to escape his oncoming weird comments and queries



being a very sensitive person, it makes me more skeptical and infere more hidden meanings from his sentences
maybe it is me as a person
maybe it is 'cos i'm closer to a certain someone who differs in opinions from him in particular
or maybe he now feels i'm not the type of ppl he want anymore


i have stopped followingly wholeheartedly what he preaches
it is not being rebellious but perhaps by nature i am not so driven
i have taken a deaf ear to certain issues
but as an adult i feel responsible for my own and only my actions
i have slacken from his target for consecutive 2 months and 2 months more to come
but i really need to have my focus on other issues, like my fyp, which he mentions he understands yet still expects me to do at least $1000 for the next 2 months


March-FYP high volume period


April-Last semester exams



I came in and produced okay results
There are also 3 new part timers altogether
both are not final year but i am
I know last semester exams i still did sales but i really don't think i should chiong this 2 months
yet still feeling pressured to
because if i do not perform, it just means i am hanging out with the wrong person
and i dun like that kind of thinking





Watched "L Change the World"


i rate it a 2 out of 5 stars
for people who caught the marathon together with the first 2 Deathnote series, i feel even more for their wasted $$



Deathnote is adapted from a Japanese manga series with, i personally feel, a witty storyline.


Deathnote 1 revolves around how a genius high school student who decides to rid the world of evil with the help of a supernatural notebook that kills anyone whose name is written in it. Light seeks to become "the God of the new world" by passing his judgment on criminals but catches the attention of the International Police Organization and a mysterious detective known only as "L". Light realizes that L will be his greatest nemesis, and a game of psychological cat and mouse between the two begins.





Deathnote 2 complicates the matter with a new shinigami & a new death note book owned by famous celebrity Ayumi. The mental challenge and fight between "L" and "Kira" continues, with the ending of L's sacrificial & exposure of Kira's true identity.





Up to this point, the movie, though summarised, protrayed a very exciting and thrilling story which captivated many, including me, who went on to catch the anime. Following the death of L, all was not the end. In the anime, 2 destined child, also adopted by the same orphanage which adopted L, strives to carry on L's task of capturing Kira, who apparantly managed to snook ppl and 'escaped', and also to fight each other's wits to truly take over L





Deathnote 3 ridiculously advertised with L's last 23 days which most viewed as the detailed investigative scenes which Part 2 cut short of. Yet, it actually involves a whole new case summarised by a very typical old english movie with third world countries, cross borders, laboratory test, virus infections, motive of human destruction, idea of a twisted ideal world, plane hijack & of course with L coming up with the vaccine and stopping a major plane crash.





*speechless*





Another movie which i caught with lingoo



P.S. I Love You

Also another great movie adapted from a novel about the love between 2 true lovers.



Holly Kennedy is beautiful, smart and married to the love of her life - a passionate, funny, and impetuous Irishman named Gerry. So when Gerry's life is taken by an illness, it takes the life out of Holly. The only one who can help her is the person who is no longer there. Nobody knows Holly better than Gerry. So it's a good thing he planned ahead.





Before he died, Gerry wrote Holly a series of letters that will guide her, not only through her grief, but in rediscovering herself. The first message arrives on Holly's 30th birthday in the form of a cake, and to her utter shock, a tape recording from Gerry, who proceeds to tell her to get out and "celebrate herself". In the weeks and months that follow, more letters from Gerry are delivered in surprising ways, each sending her on a new adventure and each signing off in the same way; P.S. I Love You. Holly's mother and best friends begin to worry that Gerry's letters are keeping Holly tied to the past, but in fact, each letter is pushing her further into a new future. With Gerry's words as her guide, Holly embarks on a journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life.





A 2 hour long show which still seems too short to fully depict the emotions involved. It is touching and I did teared, especially at the first tape & birthday cake that came on Holly's 30th birthday. What more can one ask for except to be able to find a man like Gerry to Holly is. Overall comment 4 out of 5 stars with the slight pity that i missed the last 5 minutes.
*argh*

I have so much more to blog about yet really very nua to do so now
another time...

P.S. I have one whole week of freedom starting this friday night!!
Wooohoo~~~~~~~~