At Last..

On the 29th of December 2008, 7.26am

I can now proudly say I am a graduate
no longer an undergrad

Yes
I have passed my last 3 modules in my schooling life

The stress that accompanied me as i click on the link to my destiny
indescrible
Just last night
I was still harbouring a fear that i would need to repeat something again
No longrr is it about personal shame or dignity
But not knowing how to face my mom should i repeat history yet again

Since then
I have only relieve in my heart now
Rooney doesnt need to help me take form register modules le
I can safely & proudly tell my mom that I no longer am a student
I can officially without excuse step into the world of a working adult
Striving to create that better future i want

The journey in NTU have taken most people 4 years
but 4.5 year for me
Does it matter?
10 years down the road when we look back, who will be bothered?
But in current times
it just meant i wasted half a year more than my peers

I have since then officially joined in the ranks
Stripping off that student image
I hope maturity comes with that as well
To work hard
To earn the first pot of gold
To be serious in relationships
&
To strive to become nearer and nearer to my life goals

Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas Eve, my friends

24th December
A day when most gather with their loved ones
Be it having a dinner, cutting log cake, appreciating fine wine or simply just catching a DVD on the sofa couch,
what matters is the idea of spending it with people who appreciate you

Christmas is the season of sharing
Of Joy, love, laughter

Do brace up
Smile as we see our loved ones
Spread the positive energy

For this season
Let's drop our moody self
&
Party
=)

I love you All , My friends

New Phase New Elv

I go around telling people i know that since the day I stepped into NTU
my life has been going downhill
my relationships with people in general have its major screw-ups
my focus was never on my notes
my body was always in a nua-mode slacking away time in hostel
my mind was always about which club to go to on that faithful wednesday night

we always have the cheek to critic the people around us
family
how parents can stop repeating and nagging
friends
how little they give back when you have put in that much unappreciated efforts
loved ones
how fragile human relationships can get
society
how harsh it judges you

like everyone else
i had my fair share of complains, grievances
A finger pointing at others equivilates to 3 pointing at ourselves

I never had been the perfect daughter, friend & lover
But who could?

This is all about growing up
Am i grown up? Nope
But definitely i will
Together with all the darlings around me

Yesterday marked the 1 month of my new life
With a new addition
A new person who made a difference to my life

I idled my past 1 year
scouting so hard for that perfect guy
the one with a stable job, good pay, good family, decent looking, clean background
But in turn
i tried too hard
to change to something i never was

tomorrow is Christmas' Eve
one which i will spend it with someone special
someone i can totally relate to
someone who can totally relate to me
someone whom i need no lies to conceal my identity
someone who i can be totally frank and direct with
someone who says he will make me change my thinking about the fragility of r/s

everytime i feel a wrench in my heart
be it
work
past
family
talking to him always made it seemed much simplier than it already was

To make me able to break out of the fake promise i have been making to myself since secondary days
to appreciate the greens and to have a healthier body
Yes
My plate now looks so much cleaner without the strands of chorophyll filled veggies
The one who did wat none others could

Am i still skeptical as i once said?
I might be
Is he my 25 dream?
It may ... seriously be

Love has always been a greatly mis-used word
or so i strongly believed to be
Did i say i love him?
No i din
Did he say he loves me?
No he din

And i'm glad
for what's the whole point if it's said to mean mis-use?

As for the probability of a future
Only time will tell



Thanks, Eric

Rusty Friends Not-so-Rusty Life

This is a LONG post about my rusty friends & my new life update.

When Rusty Friends are mentioned
we know who we are talking about
the most recent time we met
it was the picnic in Sentosa

even before that,
perhaps it's the time we had Astons on my birthday celebration
correct me if i'm wrong & my memory is failing me.
So technically,
we meet Shan... once every 3 months or so?

This is the coming 11 years of friendship
Since the first day in Amkss Sec 1/4.
It's "destined" we will know and cross each other's path
If u believed in afinity, this is afinity
In Chinese, 《緣》
I think back hard...
My first friend in 1/4 was Mel Lee
then i forgot who was the 2nd.. the 3rd..
And by the time i came to know Lingoo, was coz we were all seating in the back row with Kuan Horng & Kenny & the swinging see-saw alike noticeboard.
Shan? I forgot. oops.
Maybe the link came from our common Bowen friends & our common tuition class @ AMK central.
Remember Mr Winson? Ms Oh? The guy named... Joven?

We were never in the same ECA(or CCA)
NPCC, Girl Guides, Netball.
I think the only time we got closer
was a certain project that we had to do
And we were in a group
I remembered this Higher Chinese project 《盧家倫理》
We did sth about 孔子,孟子,老子, blah blah blah..
At my old house, with Shan's cousin or whoever's laptop
Using lighters or stoves or matches (i cant remb..) to burn edges of papers to beautify the presentation...

I still remembered the Yishun Gang, with Lingoo part of it as well
So my going home buddy.. was never her anyway
Got Shan anot? Since we both AMK kids, i can't remember..

Then it was Upper Sec.
3/1
3/3
3/5
What an even spread.
The only time we sat together in a class
That's Higher Chinese

My Upper Sec life
was more of NPCC, Billabong, Mamboo, Big Bags, Mahjong, Pool
I had my own cliques in my own Class
and 4/3 was super bonded
Alot of things den, was never about my Rusty Friends
except the after-school Sports session =)
and also the Ice-skate sessions..
Just one week plus ago,
I recieved an sms from Lingoo saying she actually found the movie ticket stubs of 27 Jan 2001 , Vertical Limits which we watched with Siah Jen, Weiliang (shld be Weiming right?) & Diwei (it was at causeway point cinema.. rite..)

That was in Sec 4
When i started to.. like someone.
Feeling excited to be watching a same show
Sitting beside each other in a cinema.. but also paiseh to watch with only 2 person so got to drag a whole load of ppl along..
Those were the times.

Den we graduated.
I was in my JC life
continuing my school uniform period... new friends.. new environment
studying more Math & more Sciences...
They went on to working... coz Poly life starts only half year back..
Shan was mainly in the Cosmetics & Fragrances line.. for a long while.. even during her Poly life in Ngee Ann..
Lingoo... I remembered Value$$ & Popular @ HDB Hub..
Then went on with TP Design.
I remembered that we had lesser time for each other
But we had communicated through emails, remember??
The age when watever we speak or even writing thru emails... filled with vulgarities..

Then things started to cork up in our life
I started to get attached or hitched at different points in my life
That part of screwed-ups i wun mentioned again..
Shan had her busy schedules
Lingoo... her share of super down times..
With school, fucked up profs, family.. blah blah blah..

Then it was University for me.. den Shan ..
Work for Lingoo...
Changing in and out of jobs
Finally settling in PST
And although the Ups & Downs, i know u enjoyed it at PST
And truly u changed while being there for that 1 yr +.. Amd i dunno what else to say but deep down feeling happy for you to have found a serious job with fun colleagues that's as crap or worst than you...
As for Shan,
the overloading and ang-moh culture @ SMU did not made u succumb to being a slanging freak, which is good...
But your freaking busy schedule.. is really scary..However with that tough and competitive environment that you are in... What's new?

And in the last couple of years,
my 2 Rusty Friends..
it hurts me to know and see that as we grow older..
Our bodies start to crank up and gives us problems..
I see it and i feel it
But i may not be one who can express that concern as well as others.
Yet everytime i know sth is not right..
I pray (to 大伯公!) that things will be alrite..

As we all put on our braces one after the other..
Again a common identity..
Since Day One
We mentioned we wanted to get a photoshoot to lock down this memory
Yet till today, we have not done so..
Shan may have forgotten but we have prompted u on Monday again, remember?
I truly, really want to get it done and trust me, evertime i pass a photoshoot studio i always take a 2nd look.

I agree that i 重色親友
And i know it
from the very starting of everything
That is my personality
I think i can't deny it anymore

But to the 2 Rusty Friends..
My life minus away... Guys..
I'm being very frank
You are the top priority
I may not be updated with the most recent happenings of your lives
But anytime if i receive a call that you really need me, I will be there

Maybe I'm not so sensitive a person
Just like we all are.
We are never perfect as we all knows
But as a Libra & an Only child..
I cherish my friends. ALOT.

As for my recent life
As my friends would already know
Yes
There is a new guy
Hopefully someone that i can be serious with
Hopefully someone that can make me become serious with as well

懺悔

明天將是考試的最后一天
也許是因為是theory paper
導致我多日無法專注讀書
或者是壓力已大大減少了

人際，感情方面一直很復雜的我
又有新的一章

已經有兩個星期
我在冷落一個人
而且冷落的有一點殘忍
To that somebody,
對不起
我已經無法再浪費時間
等待一個茫然的所謂將來

而事事無絕對
就在一個星期前
我又結識了似乎能了解我的人
開始新的一章

無論是不是短斬的時光
至少這一個星期，我是過得快樂的
也許明天考試end了后
必須面對一切

我只希望一切能圓滿解決
而不想象跟幼稚小朋友哭啼喧鬧

It takes One to know another

Maybe i am really not suitable for someone
too good
too guai
too decent
too normal

It take another person who is like me to understand what i really mean and really want

I have no mood to study today
I want to wait till after Friday before settling all my emotional burdens
but i just can't

一個人很不開心的時候
不是想喝酒
不是想聊天
而是想寫下來告訴自己

There is people i really don't want to hurt
don't want to see
And
There is people that i really want to see

My heart wrench almost every minute

Is my Wisdom coming?

Intended to sleep it full for tonight
4 plus and i'm awoke
by piercing pain at the back of my right jaw
where wisdom tooth appears~~

Is my wisdom tooth popping out?
=(

*ouch*

P.S: I wanna sleep!!!!

Blogging on the East-West Line

Just finished my 2nd paper and on the way out of ntu now.. Yea, I'm blogging on bus 179!
The paper wasn't exactly good coz I couldn't finish it in time *again* haizZ
I tried to attempt all questions but some I only had time to pen down what's the method and not the workings.. So I dun actually feel good about the exam. Nonetheless, I'm only left with that one last paper next Friday before I'm off the burdens.

As I leave the exam hall and boarded the bus, I watched as the juniors gathered after the paper to discuss and complain and move off for lunch at the already not-so-new canteen and I can't help but envy and recall the times, or rather the good times, that I had in school, in hall.
And it's this feeling which made me realised I don't dread studying that much after all. But still too late to go back to the past.

I've got a long journey ahead. Literally cause I'm gg Simei now to meet HL, to go the The Eighteen Chefs which she was captivated by reviews and I guess the mouth-watering pics. Hopefully it'll be good cause they've got cheap student sets LOL

Having only slept for around 2 hours, I am really very lethargic now. Yet I hope my Friday to Sunday would not be wasted so I'll try to fill it in with activities.. I suddenly miss the clubs, bad sign?

Arranged to meet up with the 2 gers after our exams and before Shan disappear for all her trips....
Hopefully it's sunny sentosa chilling at Del'mar .. ^^


+From my Apple iPhone+

Eve of Exam

Every exam period i will feel especially lethargic.
Tomorrow is 3001 paper
Today is another 通宵 mugging

Super behind schedule
I want to bring in a cheat sheet too~ =(

Dragged for half a day, time to start studying~
Off to NTU...

2009 is coming

Was prompted to review and reflect upon my 2008 resolutions yesterday by Ms Lingoo, which puts me to think that in fact, for myself and perhaps for most people, i have set the resolution earlier this year in the first week of January to forget by perhaps even February.

To think back, i remembered that i had this own list of things that i wanted in terms or material, money, career, relationships, family, etc

And through this one year, i have seen how some of our unpredictable happenings would twart our plans that much, or this might be my best excuse.

My orginal plan would be that I would have successfully graduated this July 2008 like all my peers and fully embarked on my chosen career path, that is to be a future financial planner. I used the word future as more certifications are required to be called a "Real" Financial Planner, as what alot of others think.
I had hoped to earn and save, to reach certain financial goals, to be able to go on few trips, to be able to save money to eventually go Europe.

None came true.
FIrst, i couldnt graduate. In my 4 years of University education i have not put even half of my effort into it. I was on track to graduate but things just got pretty screwed up. And therefore, one of the first things on the list of "Things to accomplished" was not fulfilled.

This single fall made me pretty sore for quite a significant period of time, which in turn brought about more failures and screw-ups. I cried. But i had no one to blame. Almost half year down the road, I am now in the midst of examinations again. Again i did not studied hard enough. More understanding, more hope but not necessarily higher confidence. Not graduating would mean no need for any form of graduation trip.

I couldnt earn enough as well as save enough for almost anything. For trip and more trips, for material goods, let alone Europe. I am officially still a part-time insurance agent.

Earlier on this year, i was questioned on why did i join this career, which made me really went back home to think and especially the last few months. Alot of people joined this career for many reasons, like freedom, income, flexibility of time, not needing to be under the pressure of intense office politics. Less than often, a new agent will reply with the answer that he/she joined in order to help people or many other gracious reasons. I agree. Until recently, when i realised that i have not prioritised and done the correct things (first), that when i saw the effects or complications that it has brought to people and my heart wrenching for the first time, i think now i can see the good that this career could provide to people.

I have more ot less concluded business for the year of 2008. 2009 will be a fresh new year, with new initiatives and new attitude.

This year was also my 23rd birthday. Wasnt exactly very pleasing, yet not that devastating.

I told myself that i should really try to fork out some time for my mom. I have totally failed in the first half of the year. Recently, i stay at home much more, but still it wasnt for accompanying her. But it is through the ups and downs of this year that i feel that i love my mom and she is one person who i know will always stand by me, though it have to be after a series of nagging.

Friendships have always been something which i valued as a high priority. Over the years i felt i have not failed as a friend to people. I really try my best, even sometimes hindering my own things to go out to help a friend. But it is in this one year, which i feel that i have been a failure as a friend.

Relationships.
Was in part of my resolution in 2008. Not accomplished. So far, in my life, there is only 2 person termed as "Good & decent".
And since 2>0 => it is a good news

There may be 101 things i need to change or fine-tune about myself. But i will. Maybe slowly, but surely. I treat this as an entry to reflect slightly upon myself and i sure hope this will guide me to setting a better range of resolutions for 2009.

E'nuff said.
Back to the books.

Work hard for 2009.

I brought it upon myself

Again.

I tot i finally gotten the right pace of life
No night outs
No drinking
No clubbing

More concentration
More focus
More meeting of the right people

But deep now my attitude have not changed one bit

Instead of ideally believing that it's the people that i've been meeting is wrong
y not just put it blatantly as i chose to socialise with the wrong people

Slowly
I do not know how to put faith in human relationships
or the once known BGRs
Can guys ever stay loyal to someone?
(in fact, not just guys but an analogy)
I think 80% of the people i know, don't, which is sad

Sometimes u know the things you are doing is wrong
yet you cant help but wonder the response of the other party
The fragility of the human heart
The desire of thrill
what follows is not guilt
but despair & disappointment of humans

Whats the damn diff between the spouse, the girfriend and the fling?
The spouse gets the certification
The girfriend gets the hand, the care, the love
The fling gets the rest

So yes.
Its all my own fault to slide back into this thinking

A part of life really sucks
And i'm still at that part

Exam

2nd day of relaxation at home

i officially gotten the drama fever
just finished watching 溏心風暴之家好月圓 in 4 days

nice show
touching
會心酸

In view that my exam is on friday, which is only 2 days away and I'm only halfway through studying.....
I am desperately curbing the urge to start my next drama marathon
*手癢*

Determined to study today.
Notes are ready
PPS is not on
Hairband up
加油！加油！加油！

Before i forgot,
awhile back i was watching a taiwan variety show 《大學生了沒》hosted by 陶子
and there was an episode discussing about 姓名學
that our name actually affect about 15% of our life
and the expert guest invited discussed about the elements of 姓名學

my mom happen to come in my room and listened for awhile
and towards the end of it
she asked "你有想過要改名嗎？''
We discussed and her conclusion was she felt my current name is too "strong" for me
thats y my character abit 倔 now

Few days after
i was idling and pass by a fortune telling shop and went in for a diagnosis of my name

廖秋瑾
thats my name

An insight to whats right/wrong:

威勢沖天之象，微賤出身， 逐漸長大， 終至首領， 有如凱旋之將， 猛虎添翼之狀， 大志大業可成， 但平素活氣強大， 臨事恐過度為憾， 實貴重之數也。 但婦女有此數則不可。

Likes to stand out, likes to lead, wants to be successful, in work in school in activities. But very tough, hard for things to go the way wanted. Needs to work hard but eventually will have results. However good for guys not for girls.

Some might have already known that my name is named after a particular lady in anicient China history, one who gave up everything and sacrifice for the country and thereafter named as a heroine. But the person at the shop stopped and told me, now that everyone knows the name as a heroine, but is that what she as a woman really wanted? What does a woman really want? Just success and name?

性情偏重一方，言語多少掛角， 柔中帶硬。

This describes relationship, with quite abit of head-on squabbles. It ended off with, not being able to get a blissful marriage or family.

No. 101

This is my 101th post.

I happened to login to realised that i've made 100 posts before today.
So this signifies my 101th post of the blog.

I'm sick.

I hate temperature that hovers between 37-38 degrees.
*argh*

Sometimes you just have to believe the power of our mind
i sms to confirm an appt with my client for tmr
and since i wasnt feeling well
i was praying hard for him to postpone to friday or sth
and his reply came back
"my wife asking if we can meet on friday?"

O.M.G
dunno to be happy or sad.

zzz

Listen. Think. Reflect

你不是真正的快乐

人 群中 哭著 你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦 或痛 或心动了
你已经决定了 你已经决定了
你 静静 忍著 紧紧把昨天在拳心握著
而回忆越是甜 就是 越伤人了
越是在 手心留下
密密麻麻 深深浅浅 的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

这 世界 笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是 你的选择
於是你 含著眼泪
飘飘荡荡 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧 却像隔著银河
难道就真的抱著遗憾一直到老了
然后才后悔著

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什麼失去了 还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让 悲伤全部
结束在此刻 重新开始活著

Pocket of Sunshine

Many a time we tend to look at the world from our narrow perspective
how far can our vision go
to accomodate the things happening around us

If the world revolves around oneself
and every person believes in this
who does the world exactly revolves around?

there are times when we feel like a failure
or rather we feel that we are failures
or that the people around us owe us something
or that we are being left out of the revolving world
and its a fact that everyone encounters this at least once in their lifetime

for those who sinks into emotional problems every once in awhile
its just too bad

We can choose to continue blaming everyone around us
or even choosing to put the whole blame on ourselves and sink into depression
but for those who have gone through failures
we all know that does not help
At All

Quitters are not necessary losers
Successful winners are those who get into shit but endure and get out of it

The growing up process involves us getting into troubles and problems
and insist that we solve our own problems ourselves

Family can be there
Friends can be there
but most importantly
Your own belief and own support

My new msn nick:
In Life, Everything is an Investment.

We put time, money and efforts into watever simple thing we do or person we know
That's the capital.
Everything, Everyone respond and behave in different manner.
That's uncertainty.
We never know for the same amount of things invested in, what are the returns.
That's the risk.

No matter what we are going to meet in our life next year, next month, or even tomorrow
we will never know
Whoever is going to enter our life or our heart the next moment
we will never know

The only person we can ever know
is ourselves.
So, to everyone i know or ever know

Please believe in yourselves
And i wish a brighter future for everyone of us.

P.S: I hope everyone holds a Pocket of Sunshine

healthy lifestyle

been super ages since I last blogged.

Since I usually only update this space in unhappy moments, the last few weeks have been pretty nice and peaceful for me

This month should b a happy month coz it's my bdae month

I obtained my first present yesterday, the Apple iPhone
=)

intersection

there are still things i want to blog about

my phuket trip - which i am still editting the photos
my movie - the Dark Knight , and my lessons learnt

but all that gotta wait

_______________________________

have you ever did something out of kindness?
and got took granted for?

have you ever asked something out of concern?
and got someone irritated?

have you ever asked a question, not replied, ask a 2nd time?
and got scolded?

have you ever been an emotional punching bag?
one which others vent their frustrations on?

t.h.i.n.k.

being nice does not mean i can be not treated as an equal
being tolerant does not mean i can be not treated like a friend

in certain times,
asking is to find opportunity to offer a help
but to get slammed back
how would it feel?

and if i need somebody, 谁会确定在?

in times like this,
at least i have that piece of the rainbow
thanks.
Sihui

E.M.O

Everyone is @ Convocation.
I'm at home

Sms have been coming in since yesterday night
Asking if I'm morning session.. asking what time i'll be there...
But i wun be there
I cant be there

Worst still
Calls are coming in since just now.

Sucks.

i think i am not dat dumb

Since my words & actions can be brushed off,
i guess my blog can be too

Well done Elv
to make people
sick
irritated
scared
threatened
of you

No communication
In the end, wednesday night will have no plans
Or rather nothing, for me
No nothing

This time,
i guess i know that i am being ignored

P.S. Phuket will probably suck now to find the money 1 day before

Mandy Girl

Met up with Amanda today over lunch
@ Ichiban Boshi @ Suntec
its been so long since i last saw this sweetie
she was the best friend i had in ntu, out of hall
who is always there to motivate and mug with
since Yr 1 Sem 1
before i officially M-I-A-ed from school...

4 years later
We have both grown up,
& prettier~ (at least for her)
meeting with her really cheered me up a little
talked about school, past, guys, boyfriends, relationships,career,wealth & the idea of being rich

She got the iPhone~
i was swaying between the idea of an iPhone & the HTC Touch Diamond..
i think i will still lean towards the iPhone now =)
$$$$$ please come to me ~~

Super Blue Monday

Being lonely is nothing to be crapped about
not necessarily true
but a personal promise
not to escalate
not worthed

The feeling of being alone
or being walked out of
seems to suck less from time to time
to learn to say no
is a difficult lesson to learn
yet easy one to get hit upon

HellBoy2
The Golden Army
would say it has pretty lots of action
storyline, alright
Interesting parts time to time
though not exactly captivating

Walk & Walk
now my legs are red & sore
but at the end of the day
only but have got ownself to blame

P.S. : it is always nice to have someone around

10.07.2008

When you lay down your emotional baggage and take on the world with a different angle
a certain sense of inner peace is sought

in the last 2 days
it really felt that i really worked my time off

July seems a more promising month for work
May not be fantastic
but definitely promising & encouraging
Hope everything settles before the Phuket trip coming thursday

Thanks Rooney for being there to go out with =)

A thursday night
Esplanade's distant crowd
Harry's Bar
Red Sangria
too sweet to be bitterly-sweet
the feeling of wind
the quiet ECP

弃

生活方式因人而变
可能是一群人, 或者是一个人
在八个月前
我的生命似乎注定要改变

一公布我找回快乐了
马上又跌入谷地

从被嫌弃的世界中
走出自重

1 nite 1 day

No news
No contact

I guess
I have really been forgotten

Does it matter if you feel sore
or even feel depressed
when actually the person beside you
had struck the chance of getting out of this mess

the fragility

i did it again
time & again
it is harder to control the emotions

a stressed up state
a desperate struggle
a tight situation
a friend is just a phone call away

alone till the wee hours in the morning
thinking & thinking
mentally chiding

friends are always friends
colleagues are always just colleagues
as much as there is no typical politics
there are hypocracy

in the end
it is just a problem i created
that i only have myself to face up to
depending on others always falls back
and it is bad that it is a money situation

i want to back out
but can i
i want to enjoy
but could i
i want to be alone
but do i really wan to

never mix money with work
do i really want to
or do i really have a choice

acting based on emotions
to survive in this career
i have to be strong
be cruel
be harsh
to the people around me
those
who are not my friends

skip the gatherings
skip the unnecessary socialising
will it really work
maybe it might
although it is not me
to save myself from misery
to find people whom i can call friends
outside of work

so tell me now
if i can avoid the next 2 weeks
how can i survive the 4days in Phuket

for every action
every decision
there is a consequence
consequence do not incur threats
yet
consequences drives ppl crazy
thinking of the stupidity of actions

Mind-Fucked

How does it feel

to drive home crying?
i dunno how to describe
it just sucks

im becoming slightly more grown up
i stop the upfront ranting
cause its a neverend
as the days goes by
the tears got lesser

as much as i am pretty mind-fucked-up about things
i look forward to the day
that day

the 23rd

For 2 years
i have celebrated my birthday in either
-KTV pub OR
-KTV
with a group of people
whom might not necessarily have a strong link in one way or another
or whom had seen each other since the last birthday

and i would think
for both times
it wasnt exactly great
the people who appeared diligently might not be the ones i really heart
the people whom i heart might not necessarily turn up sincerely
thus
it defeats the purpose of the celebration
or maybe i just wanted a group of people to surround me on that particular day
thats all

its June
3 months more to my 23rd
why did i bring up all these?

a sudden twink of idea
For the year of 2008
The month of September holds 30 days

A personal desire
A personal challenge
whether will there be a celebration
nobody knows
but i promise to myself
i will spend every single day in September
in celebration of my special day
in this special year
where many traumas have taken place
to mark the year of tremendous growth
where a girl turns officially to become a lady

if possible
i will meet a different person every day
for 30 days
Cheers to all your special day

Big Girls Dont Cry

Many days since i stayed at home
played game throughout last night till this morning 7am

depression mode still on
really trying to find a motivation to pick myself up

people relations/school/work/family
nothing seems to be going well

Am going to phuket in July with the rest of the team..
sure hope it will be a good session =)

i am required to go to school on monday
*fear*
dunno what is going to happen
what is going to be said
i guess facing professor is worst than facing my own mother
which i haven done so
she asked me regarding the school loan and i could only brush off the topic

as much as i would want to work to prove myself
with the school unsettled
i just cant pick myself up to chiong sales
work 1 week, off 1 week
i have no motivation and clear idea of my goals
i agree
but what can i do?

my job requires me to meet people & socialise
yet there are people whom i am avoiding to meet
to avoid the sensitive topics
but how long can i hide?

i understand that i am not the only one in the world to have problems
and my problems might not be the most critical of all
which is why
as much as i am down
i still care for the people around me
i am learning
to give without expecting a get so immediate

July seems like a month
when all my problems will come to an end pretty much
if there is god
let me pray to god
to give me a peaceful next 2 weeks

If i really want my year end Europe trip
i really got to get working very soon
I can see the potential
I can see My potential
but 1st
clear all the obstacles
i need the time
but thats what i am seriously lacking now

P.S where is a good & serene place to be where thoughts can be sorted out?

Back to Square One

to where it all began

to where it all started

to what i was before



again



another lonely phase of my life



the void of my heart gets wider

so much so

i no longer knows what can fill it up



from having a soulmate

to not having one at all

seemingly



its my personality

i have a flaw

i am weird

irritating

or whatever you can call it



i like company

i dread loneliness

i want success

i hate failures



but all the bad things

its coming together



no one needs to tell me anything

everyone has their rights

but why does it seems like i do not

or is it that i chose not?



im putting on a false front every day

every fucking single day

my heart wrenchs almost every other day

for what reason i do not know

for every laughter i had in the day

it pays back with sorrowness in the night

the tough growing up

How would you feel when your peers have all graduated.
except u

I feel alone

Growing up i never wanted to feel lonely

I
never wanted to eat alone
never wanted to catch a movie alone
never wanted to be left alone

i am listening to the radio again
thats the first thing i do the moment i step back into my room for the past 3 days
to have music engulf my heart

Over the past week
i felt i grew up
emotionally, psychologically, spiritually

the number of times i cried in the past week
surpass the number of times last month
the number of times i cried this year
surpass the whole of last year

is my life that screwed this year?
or am i just taking it that hard?
no conclusion on that yet

I really try to be positive
I try to joke, to laugh, to engage in conversations
but for every second left alone,
the emptiness haunts me

in the end
i did not have an appointment today
but i had much learning + enrichment

for the past 2 nights
i hung out with people i din used to
ppl i always felt din cared for me
maybe it was superficial
maybe it was more of digging news
yet
physically i was comforted

in times like these
when u need someone to be around
you start to wonder
where are my friends?
who are my confidants?

those i thought i could bare my soul and sorrows
are not there for me
those who are there
we are not close enough to have heart-to-heart talks

i had people who bothered in a way
i had people who called up to ask how was i
i had people who called up to get me out
yet
this is countable with just 1 hand

is this scenario sad?
maybe
or maybe this is just what we usually term as :Reality:

Tuned to Class95 now.

I feel better
I feel changed

for the last 2 days
i fell asleep with the radio on
i can no longer stand the silent night

for the last 2 days
i had to be pretty alone
and alone for tomorrow as well

am i feeling better?
i seriously do not know
since the last entry
there have been calls, pats, to console
and to find out how have i been
its deeply appreciated

but the angel in my heart is still too weak
to stand against the devil

i can laugh
but i cant smile from my heart
i can drag myself off bed to office
just to ruin my day
i can do 101 nice things
but it only takes 1 to spoil a rapport
i can shout & cry
but it will not mean anything for someone who don't care

today was a bad day

the friend who should at least bother, do not
those who should just leave me alone, do not

my eyes are so tired now
its almost impossible for me to continue handling the intensive emotional pressure

Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

3 days down.
i think i am finally okay.

3 different days
Sharing with 3 different person

Elvina is young, childish & emotional
Elvina has and will become strong and stronger

A little setback in life
is nothing
30 years later
She shall look back and smile at her little moment of foolishness

I shall live my life strong
and live it without reliance
I shall live for myself and only myself

Friends are whom we shall our happiness with
not necessary our sorrows
do not despair
for they are not obligated to do so
would i prefer my friends to share joy with me
or share my sorrows together

we are child of the universe
so insignificant
the world doesnt revolves around us, around me
be grateful for people who stand by u during down times
do not grieve when people do not bother

whatever your broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world

tomorrow is a new day
a new life
a new Elvina

being emotional
hitting the raw spot
i will still cry
but after each sobbing
i will grow strong

for the next 1 month its going to be tough
to start meeting people
meeting friends
to share my pain
yet
i shall

to face problems, is to face oneself

so

yes.

my friends,
i have not graduated.

A ball not held, but juggled, through the highs and lows

the saying goes...

when things are already at its worst, it can only get better..

do i feel that now?
i dunno
how would i know if its the worst now?
though it is pretty horrible

last night was bad.
very bad.
outflow of emotions
from everyone.
to everyone.

today?

woke up with a bad stomach wrenching for nth
i had no appt, no work
but had to go office for submission

from 1230pm till 1140pm
full 11 hours of?

from Amk --> Bukit Merah --> Eunos office --> GE HQ --> Bukit Timah --> Woodlands --> Bedok --> Bukit Merah --> Amk

it wasnt exactly early,
wasnt late also
but i din wan to force anyone to go out with me anymore

since yesternight
i know i cant get any lower than what i already changed to be

a person can be insensitive
but when one wants to meet the other for particular thing
he/she will sms the party
he/she will think of the thing
he/she will find out the details

but when one party forces the other to do sth
the party will say "See How"
"See how things go, See how is the mood, See how i can find more excuse"

Prospect let us earn money
Clients give us business
So?

Your client set time, they get to know when to meet
Your friends call to jio, they get to know u steady or not
Your gf one call, immediately tomorrow night is taken
I asked ten times
all is See How.

I get to hang out just because i tag along,
just because i offer to send
just because i can be a time filler

If i had a litre of tears
its draining out real fast

can someone really bring me out because he want to bring me out?

做人难,做女人更难,要做个有尊严的女人难上加难

Someone told me today i am not acting like my self

but it was never a matter of today
but it had been some time

from the day i asked for money
i lost my dignity & independence

Expenses can be fixed / variable, discretionary or non-discretionary
the worst type being variable discretionary
and when someone tells u that u belong to the worst type of expenses and is totally unnecessary
what would u feel?

i felt the reality.

emotional & financial cant be placed on the same weighing scale.

today, when i have the transport
i can offer
to send ppl around free
i get appreciation
lots of it
but this, to alot of ppl, is an act of kindness
a nice gesture
not an unneccessary expense
because apparantly u dont literally take out money from your pocket

I hate to beg
and when reality slaps in
that all along i have been forcing ppl my way
begging for things to go my way
it pains me

i shldnt go on any trips
i shldnt buy anything be it for myself or others
i shldnt take any cabs
i shldnt eat
i shldnt do anything that costs money

i should just work, and work, and work
to earn the money
to spend it with dignity

i should just wait, and wait, and wait
for that someone who wouldnt see me as something so discardable
who would feel for me when i suffer

maybe u will read it
he will read it
i will come back and read this
it doesnt matter
it might not even matter to me anymore when u see this
i learn to recover fast from unhappiness
i just need a bigger heart, to lock up the unhappiness

我累了
已经搞不清楚自己是什么,要什么

也许在我内心世界里,
有一个无形的恶魔在作怪

若得不到幸福
也不想其他人能轻易得到他们所要的幸福

得的到回报的行为才会值得

开心吗?
我说..不.

好想知道人能够多丑陋.

Movie

Yesterday i tried to catch the same show twice.
but to no avail.

today
another try
last try

a good rest at home today,
a good day of dvd-ing
tomorrow sounds like a packed day

tonite i still dunno
no matter who
im always given last min notices
but its not that im too free
but i bothered
whats the point in constantly trying to force ppl to carry out activities that they are not into?

i have to start learning to watch movie alone
to play game alone
watch dvd alone
for ppl have found their ideal companion for all these
and its not me
never

在孤独一人等待的凌晨

Watched Indiana Jones today.
okies show.. maybe im just not a fan of george lucas

to hang out, have dinner, catch a movie.
its not that bad to have a healthy night like this.

But probably.. it wasnt too interesting.

I said, watching a movie,
companion very important.
and the sad thing
i still cant find a proper companion to watch
therefore making most movies i watched, boring.

watching 爱情经纪约 on dvd now..
old show le, but i haven seen it yet..
today an episode made me tear..
i love to watch those touching scenes
but it just made me emotional..
我还找不到我生命中的奇迹

成长在单纯世界的我
选择了复杂化的生活
潜意识
我在等待有知音能把我从那复杂的世界带走

现实生活的我
能得到奇迹的眷顾吗?

Shall not wait.
the movie wun come

fucked

because i tot he was mind-fucked.

now i'm the one being mind-fucked.


*cheers to non-discretionary feelings*

siakish

bad mood
very bad mood

totally dont feel like working day
2 appts
both cancelled

i join this career coz of flexibility
but as much as i din wan to work today
i had to go office

no talk
the feeling is still there
upset
the tearing is there

learn to move away from the wrong things
after 7pm the mood got so much more better

i can smile now

its an observation day, today

the other side of me is slowly surfacing

im feeling empty
as though i just vomitted out all that i've ate

my lung is empty
i feel that i cant breathe properly

my heart is scheming
im thinking of too much things

probably i do not know how to handle crisis well

as much as i do not like to be lonely

if im trapped in a crisis
i'll pull someone in to die together

its over

the complicated thing happen

its as though i slapped myself thru & thru

period.

its over

after all my fucking sacrifices

one fucking sentence:
"if u force me its over"

and i'm asked to fuck off

fuck
fuck
fuck

know the origin of fuck off?
fuck , den go off

i so wanna cry my heart out now

Do I like my Job?

I think i like my job. my career.

it is so flexible.
what else do i need to say?

i woke up today at 11am
or rather, i wake up almost every other day at 11 am.
*nice*

today is Sunday
also my self-declared off day

waking up and deciding that no, i'm not going to work today
except for maybe a short while later part of the day.

i manage my own time, own money, own life
i think the suckiest thing is to have no choice but still to work even during our down times
yet i can choose not to

but if i have too much self-declared off days,
my pocket suffers
simple fact.

this week is the first official week that i start work
& i am so far pleased with myself
except that i did not achieve enough appointments
with the initial 10
to the final 4

thats the way of life.
filled with postponements & rejections
but i still can take it well

at least i have my forms filled
i have my money coming in

i so wanna catch a movie
but to no avail
i guess the people that i want to catch a movie with,
are either not interested in the movies i proposed,
or not interested in catching it with me.
*watever*

my life is sort of getting better now
i presume
as i place my focus on my work
i am losing reliance on a certain someone
this is good
*a pat on the back*

and i hereby break the common misassumption that being an insurance agent,
u will have lesser & lesser friends, eventually NO friends
this is wrong
for i have definitely widened my social circle
no one is not picking up my calls
no one is ignoring me
no one is not wanting to meet me
& no one have asked me to fuck off

=)

i think i know what i really need now.

to work hard
to earn money
to find a true soulmate

友

虽说是友情
但又有多深
嘴边称知己
但有多知己
并非纯友谊
却又算哪胡
撇开心中情
求以金钱替
却失去自我
又显得堕落
一意玩下去
受伤是自己
何必放不下
反正无人惜

it's time to wake up my fucking idea.
FUCKING in caps.

i need alcohol.mambo jumbo.and alot of blood.

i miss woody.(now this is random)

nth

Yesterday was the nth time i hear people asking me how am I coz of the contents of my blog.
Although i looked perfectly fine in real life.

this wed night.
it's mambo night
i am going.

yesterday was a short session @ dblO
not exactly unfruitful also.

also caught up with Claire & my fellow emo duel
we are so going to go shopping in May or something
let's hope my money faster come in =)

25th April 2008 10.30 pm

I really despise myself at times
Pathetic.
Is money really everything?
The money chasing game makes one pitiful
I am pitiful
I love money
Thats's why I'm losing myself.

Solitudity is a shame
Serenity is lonely
Simplicity is a blessing

We can't turn back the hands of time
just like how I can't pretend to be innocent anymore

Good guy always win the game
Good girls always get the good guys
As for the rest like yours truly, you get the shit & dark side of humans

I don't want commas in my life anymore
I need a full stop
to start a new lease of life.

躱在人群中
我谈笑风生
嘻嘻哈哈过

但头一回
笑容没了
欢乐消失在空荡的内心

在人们眼中的开朗
说白了
也只不过是一场戏

我和我的绝望,笑得很风趣

心

人往往在心情指数最低点时, 才最需要朋友
我不喜欢这样.
心情糟糕, 只要有朋友陪伴就是很好的知己,
雨过天晴, 工作心情轻松, 多说就变成烦人的苍蝇.

越想就越觉得自己好像很愚
决定什么事, 从不三思, 就胡里胡涂地做
是幼稚吗? 还是单纯的天真?

那, 做了决定后又处于半后悔状态又表示什么..
是三心二意? 还是没信心不会因自己一时的鲁莽而从中受到伤害?

自问, 值不值得, 也说不上来,
付出就想得到回报,
牺牲就想得到补偿,
伤心就想得到关怀,
失望就想得到安慰,
害怕就想受到保护,
开心就想与人分享,

我以为我能够非常潇洒, 拿得起就放得下,
但也许哪怕最坚强得人也会有脆弱的一面.

那渴望着不切实际关怀的小心灵,哭了.

呐喊是为了宣泄,
沉默是为了妥协,
失望是为了让步,
暗泣是为了忍耐,
哭泣为了要同情.

那眼神,那语调, 并非我所应得的.

Feeling pathetic is becoming part and parcel of my life
I am not entitled to expect, for I am just nothing.
I am not entitled to be angry, for I am still just nothing.
I am not worth talking to in the soft tone, for I am really just nothing.

I think I just want to find someone to love and who loves me
If Jeremy was still part of my life,
Things might not have gone so bad

love like you have never loved before,
dance like you have never danced before,
sing like no one is listening,
live like it's the last day of your life.

there are certain things that you just want to do with certain people

period.

its been some time since i have a date
and i mean it as a proper date

and not one in which you have to beg for

empty.empty.&more empty

someone told me to try going out alone to drink without seeking company

perhaps i should really try to do so
'nuff said

Cheerios,
Evil Elvina

=tired=

i bought it

i gave it

i created a big hole in my pocket.

no pictures, no memory
probably not convenient to show anyway.

sucks to do things that have to be concealed as a shameful act.
but do i have a choice?


i think i do get treated nice at times
and i am grateful

i think i am getting my emotions back in place
for i am becoming more practical

i chanced upon a blog yester-night and i really love it
probably the things which were mentioned relates so much to me

to the extent i wanted to email a stranger to be friends.

sounds weird?
i think i will do it.

anyway i think i really am totally screwed for the paper i just had
fuck it.

this is so true

I was googling about Libra where i came across this:

The Libra character:

Libra has the symbol of the scales because this is the sign of the unbalanced individual.

Things can never be perfect for as soon as the scales are even something comes along to upset the balance once again.

To compensate for this insecurity Libran's are obsessed with the desire to be loved, admired and wanted.

They are empty vessels in need of continual emotional replenishment.

Their superficial easy going manner betrays a lack of strength and a deep set vanity.

They also love to spend money.

They are generally unemployable.

How true... I agree with everything except the last one. haha~ i'm pretty employable & a good worker!!

LIBRA Ruler:

Venus - symbol of love and harmony Venus was ancient goddess of Love and after the Moon is the feminine principle. This planet rules Libra and governs love, affection, art, creativity and physical beauty. No wonder people of the star sign of Libra like expensive things.

一个女人脆弱的一面

My recent life is getting more and more sad..



1) i think i got possibility can't graduated in time

2) i think my work ain't too good considering so many cork ups

3) i think my people relation management is getting so lousy



Sihui told me i should consider getting a proper 9-5 job... like during my attachment

1) i looked more radiant

2) i feel happier

3) i am more guai

4) i smile more

5) i meet right people

6) i actually saved more money

7) i spend more time at home



Why i might prefer my current job?

1) higher money potential

2) flexibility

3) slackability

4) can take on more night life

5) meet people who live like my lifestyle (who are also termed as "wrong" people)



In most cases, life is not about justification...

if it is, then base on the above i should just quit and settle for my typical engineer/watever office job with my $2.7-$3k salary...

then set aside that $300-$500/month of savings to do my 'financial planning' and retire at 65..



but i am not doing it.

in fact, i do not want to just live it like this.

but am i walking the correct path for myself? even i cant answer that.



many says that i have changed, not in the good sense

many says that i don't look happy as before, which is quite true

then, why am i still hanging on to this life?

i can have only one answer



犯贱



i think thats what i am now.



school wise- screwed

work wise- screwed

relationship wise-screwed



this is what we call... triple screwed. how nice~



yesterday i half-broke down in front of my friend.

i can't actually believe it myself.

but it happened.



a women can be satisfied in 3 aspects

- physically, emotionally, financially



if at least 2 out of 3 is fulfilled, a woman can be generally still.... sound.



as a boyfriend, i view physical & emotional more importantly... meaning i don't need him to pay for my everything...

but not as a soulmate.
if you can't accept my emotions, satisfy me financially.
maybe that will just help me feel better.

emotified night

yesterday night was emo.. and very in fact

i cried.

i am not born to be a naturally gracious person
in fact.. very selfish
no matter is it just a normal friend, or a special friend, or even a lover
if i put my heart into it,
i will want to be extremely nice,
being there for a person when he or she needs it the most,
in most cases,
i will try to do so,
no matter where,
no matter the time,
no matter the place,
so when the situation turns and when i need the attention,
it sucks not to be able to get it.

i scrolled through my phonebook,
in fact,
i do not have much people to talked to, to call, to know that they will be there for me,
i know i have friends, have acquitances,
to be a very social person would mean you get alot of friends on the surface?

in the end,
i called sihui.
the moment she heard my voice she asked me what happened,
the moment i heard her concern i teared
we may not be very close, especially in JC times,
but i'm touched by her concern.

met up, ate, talked, feeling super sleepy,
we went to pasir ris park where i took a nap before i can safely drive off
while she entertain herself with her camera
thanks ger.

went home instead of waiting aimlessly again
6 am.. breakfast..
den home till now..

i am not one who needs constant care,
just once in a while,
just a small act of concern,
can just brighten up my day

is this called "easily satisfied"?

another wasted day

it's yet another wasted..

went to pay respect to my paternal grandparents and my dad today ...
talked alot to my mom today ... coz we were caught in the rain therefore stuck inside the bus..

talked about life, money, career & *financial planning* haha

i postponed 1 appt..
the other appt postponed me...
confirmed the last appt..
later today 8pm at northpoint..

had a simple lunch,
tried to study but failed.
took a short nap...

my cousin came to visit me..
talked alot again..
about life, money, career & more money-making opportunities
i realised i lost some good opportunities..

this is the N-th time already...
cause i haven official go secure all my relatives & friends to be my clients...
because i'm too busy,
because they dunno,
i lose chances again

& so another day wasted... now i lost ALL mood to study ..
if i fail this time round...
people will not pity me..
coz i kindof asked for it..
but..
i dont feel the fear at all now..

*i'm blinded*

3 more days to my 1st paper
4 more days to my 2nd paper
5 more days to my 3rd paper

and i have NOT started studying.

that's how screwed i am now..

Braces *checked*

yesterday was my 2nd adjustment of my braces...

6 weeks ago ... the teeth beside my both "门牙" were pulled to move behind...
--> resulted in 2 significant gaps in my teeth which obstruct my pronounciation..

my ordont saw me yesterday with a "WAH, ur teeth is moving like a teenager's teeth"
so i cant wait 6 weeks for another appointment le...
gotta go back less than 2 weeks later again...

yesterday's objective was to pull the 2 "门牙" apart before straightening..
and believe it or not... by evening...

the 2 tooth have separated and a gap can now be seen already!
*fast*

P.S.

elvina is a moody person
she needs constant care & concern

probably she was not the exact kind of ideal friend in the past
but now she wants to change

she wants to treat everyone nice
she wants to be there for people at all times when they need her

she hopes that there are people who at least can be with her when her heart is wrenching
when she really feels lonely
but there isn't.
none

her mom is right
she dunno how to reject people
or rather she don't want to reject people
she don't want to lose attention, or companion

she hates her home
it's not a place of happy memories
it's a lonely & cold place
never a comfortable place

i can be moody but still no one can be around
i can cry but there will be no one to wipe my tears
i can feel scared but there will be none to comfort me
i can be empty yet no one can feel the void of my heart

if you think i'm a sociable person, all that of it is just an act
an act to plea for company, for love, for friendship, maybe even for money
as what i'm doing for my career now

i put on the powder, painting myself with make up
i used to club, to seek solace, to seek relief

i drink, get drunk
cry, to seek pity, seek embracement, seek delusion

i shout, i laugh, i scream
to conceal the quiet & lonely innerself

if i beg,
will all my friends come to me?
if i cry,
will someone care for me?
if i die,
will people mourn & tear for me?

i really need someone to care for me
but somehow i don't just want anyone
i don't want to always make the same mistake
but it seems so like i will.. again

Exams are coming..

16th of April is my first paper...

18th of April gotta rush around... prepare present.. prepare cake.. babysit ppl...
In the midst of the exams, a joyous drunkable event will be occuring..

the present is decided ... 5 times christmas present value *sweat*
the cake is pending
the day is booked
the money is set aside

up to now .. 9 appts for this week.
*Satisfied*
I got myself 2 closings & a wonderful & keen COI
what more is there to hiam?

still as busy

yet things seemed to slowly but steadily get better

appts coming in

more positive comments
more proposals to do
more case to close

=)

but gotta stop taking in new clients for the moment...
exams drawing near

i am still a girl

starting off with some photos to update my life since i realised i haven been posting photos since CNY... thats a long time~

an impromptu meetup, on the eve of Valentine's Day, 2 moody persons, one going to mambo with another impromptu "date", the other just want to hang out bah.. the soulmate, somewhere moody yet still bothered to come down to be a time-gap filler

what's a time-gap filler, as the name implies, a couple of times when i have around an hour or more time gap before i meet the intended person, i would meet up soulmate to fill up the time. therefore, as explained.

some random chill out session with Lingoo @ Acid Bar

some random self shot photo

another impromptu bored day, accompanying Lingoo for HER hair extentions which i have always been curious about, ended up doing it too~ the irony, i just snipped my hair less than a couple of weeks.

Ever since last year when i decided to crop my hair shorter it has since grown into an addiction that every one month or less i visit the salon at least once. even my manager have noticed and made comments regarding this. haha~

getting ready to do hair extentions

with long straight extentions

with curled extentions =)

Lingoo + Elv new look~

Since joining this business, nightlife became more eminent. Of course, it's got more to do with the personality den the work. I still remembered the very first time i went St James before it's official opening, i went home thinking its so damn cui and i would never go again. How would i expect myself less than a year later visiting the place so damn frequently then any other clubs, especially Dragonfly, the infamous gathering place for canto pop lovers?

It was Bee's birthday celebration that night and i went in formal dressing for the first time to a club. Feels different yet not out of place.

with Kira

Another KTV session with the Hydrus peps @ Dynasty, followed by a prata session @ Kayu with Kaiyuan+Michelle+Zhuyi, a mahjong session with Ding joining in @ my house

Rooney + HH

Me + Rooney

Dom + Me

It's nice hanging out with them and still knowing that there are still people who somehow care about my current situation and that they do read my blog here! Feels weird to blog about ppl whom most probably they might be reading, but who cares? Since u read, might as well become part of my life ?

Good Friday and the weekend following it was interesting. Went bugis to eat & pray at the temple. 2 caucasians dressed in Arabic alike clothings caught our eyes - Tarot Cards reader. Never tried before and did a reading. Interesting results not to be totally revealed here. To talk about my readings, in general he could tell i had problems with my career now is because i having big burdens in my university work and i also have someone whom i can share my burdens and troubles with. The guy, whom i forgotten the name, and his wife, resides in the mountain area in Bali~ pretty cool... and we are invited to visit them if we go to Bali for tour..

he actually looks pretty cute

Okies~ enuff of updates.
For the April Fool's Day Blog.


yesterday to today... super full of ups & downs




the mad rush for FYP demo


and my quiz
and my make up quiz .. making sure i at least went through 50% requirement of my module


the mad rush to pia cab down to suntec to meet prospect yet kana pang seh halfway...
because he is sick and was desperately trying to locate me also.


at least i found a sincere prospect =)


den it was back to office to check on the telemarketers...


den rooney came down!
(high chance you might be reading this, rooney~)

to bring me out on a date~~ to fix meimei's computer~ hahaha


everything was great
until i decide maybe i should play nice person role again after i got home

so i went out again
and came back with sadness


at a point of time,
he mentioned that its his fault for getting himself into such a mess

*upset*

i dunno why sometimes i just become illogical and get upset
he says its because i am still a girl
and i still have my emotions

but i just dunwan to be like just any other girl
i dunwan to be boliao and sensitive and get angry for nothing
yet its scary i'm starting to turn this way
and i'm starting to blur the lines of work & private life

i tell myself i can't stray and become a dumb ass
just sleep~


and before i knew it.......
i got woke up by my mom who frantically keep panicking cos the bus was not able to be started up

apparantly i'm the last user and the battery went flat
so fucking tired yet seeing her worried face as she cant go to fetch the students

i felt guilty
maybe i'm not a good vehicle user
and not a good daughter, to still grumble at her
to lessen my fault, i helped her called up the parents of the kids to apologise

but i tink she sensed my unhappiness and told me she don't blame me
seeing me so tired... she asked me to sleep


i'm grateful i have a nice mom...


den..
i woke up at 12.45pm...

FUCK>>> overslept
i was supposed to have an appointment at 1pm @ tampines mall...

i did a mad rush for 10 minutes
after which i called the prospect and had to postpone it to thursday...


what an april's fool day~

perhaps with the sudden waking up and all...
i woke up with a super lethargic body and sore eyes...
took a cab to office (again~) and had lunch with TT, johnson & meimei..

wanted to go play Cashflow 101 @ mind/settlers cafe yet all the nearby outlets have closed down...


apparantly he din have a good sleep too...
burnt oil to finish study his module...
so it was 2 freakingly tired zombies.


went back office, submitted my 20k GGP..
settle telemarketing documentations...

went to wait for ppl collect money..
stupidly sitting at a busstop @ Geylang for 45 minutes
yet telling myself not to get pissed cause i'm a nice person and not just any other girl
den off to Raffles City to see his potential bdae present, which is so going to burn my pocket gone

in turn got a dinner treat...

& viola~


HOME early for the first time in ... 2 weeks?
i think my mom was actually surprised to see me home before she slept..


tomorrow is going to be another busy day.. tentatively already meeting 3 people..
maybe adding my auntie in also ... thats 4 ~

probably got to be going back office some time in the morning / afternoon also...

无底洞

i still cant get my program working

and its due tmr
im so screwed

those who can help or willing to help
have put down their stuff to help
to try their best
what more can i demand for?

i did the good thing i mentioned yesterday
that's volunterarily offering to send ppl around

it's times like these i realised i really can be a very nice person if i want to

sometimes being overly nice may even be deemed as stupid or silly
it's just like what i am now

i always know the fact that the amount of things u give out doesnt equate the things you will receive
attachment and loves doesnt equate as well

the person i will like wun like my lifestyle
the person whom i share my lifestyle with, i wun like

once again, i see the dark side of relationships again

too long not blogging
too many things happening

fyp corks up again
demo postponed again
by monday
by hook
by crook
if not , i'm screwed

exams are coming
i have not started preparing
as usual
the final semester in my 4 years
suddenly
the feeling that i have never properly cherished ntu
the honors class, the results is not the most important thing to me
but the unfulfiling university life is what i regret

but one thing i know for sure
elvina has grown up
innocent to complicated
mature i would not say
complex is more fitting

work is becoming more positive
at least i have already 9 appts next week
all cold appointments though
i have faith.
MAY would be a good month
i just need to tide through april with all the exams and fyp presentations

lingoo have some problems recently
met up with her yesterday
i asked her one thing "y we both meet up with such fucked up stuff?"
she has her conclusion on how aries behaves which seems true
interesting in a way

i set myself some objectives after my school which will finally come to an end
i need to put my focus on other things already
and there are things i need to start pulling away from
to stop having expectations on

supposed to be rushing my fyp program now
but slacked from jus now till now watching drama
i even have this super nice intention to go run a super nice errand
*better wake up*
but 70% chance i might... since i am also super fucking bored

Should i stop searching?

l.o.n.e.l.y

i'm alone at home

sihui stayed over last night with me instead
she have gone to school

i should be doing my fyp yet i'm watching 公主小妹..

feeling hungry, no lunch buddy.. though sihui say she will come back
feeling lonely, no one to accompany me
feeling worried, they have started their mini meeting.. how would it end..

will i get preaching session again?

I think the time has come

the fluctuation of moods
the gf problem
the changing of msn nick
the sensitive and kaypoh team
the probing of things

that was basically what went on with my life for the past few days
sucks

for the month of jan & feb i din have proper production
slack i should say, coupled with pressure
for consecutively 2 group meetings i felt sian

this is a career about networking
socialising
production recognition

apparantly my team recognise something as more important
- diligence

i am straying away from my manager's ideal
in other words, not so 听话 anymore as before
he see it as a cause for me 'following' the wrong person

he showed his disappointment with me
i was affected
i felt probably if i did produce some results despite my busy upcoming schedule in school it will be alrite

i felt march started good

1 X $150 GSP
30k GGP
30k Choice Investment
1 X SHP
1 X Totalshield

On the way ...
5 X SHP
5 X Totalshield
Investment topups

With the intentional reduction in activities, i felt i did okay after just talking to 2 person this month.

No, that was not the case.
This is not fantastic results, i know
But it is totally not kept in view, not bothered

I was helping soulmate with something yesterday
and again my manager voiced out his unhappiness

"Why are you helping people do things that's not your stuff?"
"I din know you are so free to be helping others"
"I din push you so far coz i tot you are busy with your FYP and stuff, yet you still got free time do all these"
"hai... 一个愿打,一个愿挨.."

I was stunned. And replied

"I did my stuff before i helped & it's not as though i din do work and submit cases"

I walked off.
There can be ppl who are full timers, dun produce, yet get encouragement all the way, get praises for every small case..

but when i initiatively just submit case, it seems invisible

is that the team culture?
is it that political?

yes, at the end of the day, i earn my money still.. but if i'm not exactly happy, how ?

when i told soulmate all these, he was pissed with the behavior too
impulse got over him and...
today they are going to hold a mini meeting
the agenda..
"discussing regarding the bad team culture, gossips and misgivings"

my manager once told me any time i lose faith in this biz or face problems i must tell him
is this the time?
is there even a need to do so?


worse thing comes one after another
as i reached home last night and chatting with soulmate
again
we had some 'arguments' regarding certain issues
accounting for my change of nick

i'm really affected by him in a way
no, there is still no love to speak

but yes, alot of concern
alot of reliance
alot of emo

he is just like my confidant
my emotional support

i think this is going the wrong direction
i know for sure that if i start to pull away, he will not bother

for someone who dun do concrete actions even when it's the gf...
what's more i'm just a soulmate?

maybe it is really the time

P.S. I want to watch leap years too

my manager told me this sometime last last week
"i never would have expected that by recruiting u, things would become like that"
""everthing is okay now 'cos things are still fine, but when things go wrong, it may turn out very ugly,please know how to handle it"
"please know what you are doing"
"when i recruited u, i din felt you were like this, you had ideals and goals"
"you have changed"



wrong move.


as time goes by, i'm getting more and more wary of hitching a ride from my manager as it becomes a situation whereby i'm trapped in the car with him and no chance to escape his oncoming weird comments and queries



being a very sensitive person, it makes me more skeptical and infere more hidden meanings from his sentences
maybe it is me as a person
maybe it is 'cos i'm closer to a certain someone who differs in opinions from him in particular
or maybe he now feels i'm not the type of ppl he want anymore


i have stopped followingly wholeheartedly what he preaches
it is not being rebellious but perhaps by nature i am not so driven
i have taken a deaf ear to certain issues
but as an adult i feel responsible for my own and only my actions
i have slacken from his target for consecutive 2 months and 2 months more to come
but i really need to have my focus on other issues, like my fyp, which he mentions he understands yet still expects me to do at least $1000 for the next 2 months


March-FYP high volume period


April-Last semester exams



I came in and produced okay results
There are also 3 new part timers altogether
both are not final year but i am
I know last semester exams i still did sales but i really don't think i should chiong this 2 months
yet still feeling pressured to
because if i do not perform, it just means i am hanging out with the wrong person
and i dun like that kind of thinking





Watched "L Change the World"


i rate it a 2 out of 5 stars
for people who caught the marathon together with the first 2 Deathnote series, i feel even more for their wasted $$



Deathnote is adapted from a Japanese manga series with, i personally feel, a witty storyline.


Deathnote 1 revolves around how a genius high school student who decides to rid the world of evil with the help of a supernatural notebook that kills anyone whose name is written in it. Light seeks to become "the God of the new world" by passing his judgment on criminals but catches the attention of the International Police Organization and a mysterious detective known only as "L". Light realizes that L will be his greatest nemesis, and a game of psychological cat and mouse between the two begins.





Deathnote 2 complicates the matter with a new shinigami & a new death note book owned by famous celebrity Ayumi. The mental challenge and fight between "L" and "Kira" continues, with the ending of L's sacrificial & exposure of Kira's true identity.





Up to this point, the movie, though summarised, protrayed a very exciting and thrilling story which captivated many, including me, who went on to catch the anime. Following the death of L, all was not the end. In the anime, 2 destined child, also adopted by the same orphanage which adopted L, strives to carry on L's task of capturing Kira, who apparantly managed to snook ppl and 'escaped', and also to fight each other's wits to truly take over L





Deathnote 3 ridiculously advertised with L's last 23 days which most viewed as the detailed investigative scenes which Part 2 cut short of. Yet, it actually involves a whole new case summarised by a very typical old english movie with third world countries, cross borders, laboratory test, virus infections, motive of human destruction, idea of a twisted ideal world, plane hijack & of course with L coming up with the vaccine and stopping a major plane crash.





*speechless*





Another movie which i caught with lingoo



P.S. I Love You

Also another great movie adapted from a novel about the love between 2 true lovers.



Holly Kennedy is beautiful, smart and married to the love of her life - a passionate, funny, and impetuous Irishman named Gerry. So when Gerry's life is taken by an illness, it takes the life out of Holly. The only one who can help her is the person who is no longer there. Nobody knows Holly better than Gerry. So it's a good thing he planned ahead.





Before he died, Gerry wrote Holly a series of letters that will guide her, not only through her grief, but in rediscovering herself. The first message arrives on Holly's 30th birthday in the form of a cake, and to her utter shock, a tape recording from Gerry, who proceeds to tell her to get out and "celebrate herself". In the weeks and months that follow, more letters from Gerry are delivered in surprising ways, each sending her on a new adventure and each signing off in the same way; P.S. I Love You. Holly's mother and best friends begin to worry that Gerry's letters are keeping Holly tied to the past, but in fact, each letter is pushing her further into a new future. With Gerry's words as her guide, Holly embarks on a journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life.





A 2 hour long show which still seems too short to fully depict the emotions involved. It is touching and I did teared, especially at the first tape & birthday cake that came on Holly's 30th birthday. What more can one ask for except to be able to find a man like Gerry to Holly is. Overall comment 4 out of 5 stars with the slight pity that i missed the last 5 minutes.
*argh*

I have so much more to blog about yet really very nua to do so now
another time...

P.S. I have one whole week of freedom starting this friday night!!
Wooohoo~~~~~~~~

biz urgency

after 4 months in this business, i finally decided to settle my own policy...

it's time to go AIA surrender my life policy which cost nearing 200 a month with pathetic coverage..

it i dun do it today, i gotta give my GMR a treat -_-'

arranged crab bee hoon session with yun laterzz...
hope no harps@!

Life is like a boat -- Rie Fu

Nobody knows who I really am

I never felt this empty before

And if I ever need someone to come along,

Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate

The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape

But if we ever get lost on our way

The waves would guide you through another day

tookude iki wo shiteru toomei ni natta mitai

kurayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisareteta dake

inori wo sasagete atarashii hi wo matsu

asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am

Maybe they just don’t give a damn

But if I ever need someone to come along

I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru

tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

And every time I see your face

The oceans heave up to my heart

You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon

I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore

When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am

I never thought I’d feel this way towards you

And if you ever need someone to come along,

I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo

tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune wo terashidasu

inori wo sasagete atarashii hi wo matsu

asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face

The oceans heave up to my heart

You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon

I can see the shore

unmei no hune wo ko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsugi e to watashi-tachi wo shou kedo sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne

revelation

I went to zouk again.. with Kenny



where i saw Judith, on the eve of Valentine's Day..

before that was out with Lingoo.. to acid bar.. den met the moody soulmate..



probably i just felt empty.



reached home only @ 5 am...



Valentine's Day proper was even more crap

- my mom assume i will stay @ home since this yr i got no BF

- my awaited potential date got cancelled

- suffer from the lack of sleep



MOODY~



so i met Sihui , who offered to be my back-up date.. at kovan HK cafe~ chat all the way till past midnight...



Friday met the JC girls for dinner @ Chomp Chomp..

its been so many years... everytime we talk back about JC days theres still so much laughs..



Xiaoyun got Jianming now.. and probably this year is R.O.M-ing...

Adeline got her stable r/s also .. with various rumors of ROM too!!

Sihui is going to pursue her degree in Aussie~



Me? Just being my day-to-day insurance agent while awaiting graduation ... and leading this super complicated love life.. or rather social life



after the dinner ... we slacked @ ICE 3 ...

xiaoyun had to go home early so we sent her back before going on to my house for gossiping..



i never felt really close to my jc friends during jc times but yet it is this period where i started to sense their concern and small actions that touched the heart..

so long nv really blogged ..

to the reply to the comment for my last entry...
yea.. the song makes me think..
and perhaps i really dunno who i am or what i want..

many ppl think its wrong..
many ppl say i should stop
this mutual benefit relationship thing

xiaoyun says she understand & she rather i have 1 than many
is that right?

the mutual benefit is getting more clear
it's sharing of similar interest, similar hobbies, similar thinkings
it's assisting each other in career goals
but it's also greatly in the financial stand

we call it -sponged-

he is willing to be sponged & guide & be nice in a way
in turn i run errands

its coming march..
coming 3 months..
but i still do not know how to let go successfully

P.S. let me meet *the one*

CNY updates~

this CNY have been a rather busy one....


On the eve of CNY, after the reunion dinner... went to Kenny's house to play mj with him, Ken & Bee,


result => Winnings ++$28


1st day of CNY, bai nian time!!

with my only set of new year clothes this year from MU...

all ready =)

the typical scene during new year involves boring people who aren't exactly so close to one another, gathering to get angpows, thankfully there's the best invention called the television, which allows the boring souls to focus their attention on during silent moments and not needing to squeeze their brain cells to come up with topics to chat with one another..

Niece Shunling & Me


Niece ZhenQi & Me

After all the bai nian-ing, end up another MJ session with Kenny & his 2 frens @ his house

result => Winnings ++ $26

CNY Day 2

More Bai-nian @ my biggest auntie house @ clementi ... after 2 straight nights of MJ session, finally can't take it.. went home to sleep after that... was supposed to meet up Sihui to watch <27> but ended up full house seating so postponed to the next day ...

Went to meet up with soulmate @ tiong bahru plaza to have a drink first before going to PS to meet Kenny for Kung Fu Dunk followed by Ah Long Pte Ltd..

CNY Day 3

Woke up @ 11.45am to realised i'm late to meet Sihui for movie @ 12.40pm... rushed like hell and rush all the way to The Cathay for <27>

Hang out all the way around city hall area with some scouting around for her dream camera Canon 40D, afterwhich met soulmate for a drink before heading down to dbl O for the night..

Met soulmate's cousin & friends, before seeing Kelvin, Bee, her friends.. Kenny also joined in later part and @ 3 am.. headed over to dragonfly... reaching home only at 7 am...

CNY Day 4

Woke up at 3 pm , ate den slept till 6 pm... slack around at home pretty much before heading down to Kenny's house for yet another MJ session with him, his brother & their friend..

result=> Winnings -$9

Home @ 4am to prepare for work tomorrow..

CNY Day 5

1st day back in office.. met up with soulmate for breakfast @ eunos before going to kickoff which was postponed to the afternoon.. so we spend our morning just slacking around office, settling stuff..

Din had anything to do.. so arranged to meet up with lingoo @ Sing Post for tuang-ing before heading back to office for gambling session...

result => Winnings ~+$15

Stayed in office till night where we then adjourned to terence's house for MJ.. first half round played there, afterwhich too many ppl hand itchy so we shifted the table to linus's house to combine open 2 tables and carried on ...

result => Winnings -$4

ended around 5+ am.. afterwhich soulmate & me went for Mac breakfast before heading home..

CNY Day 6

Finally a day of proper rest & relax.. today was just pure sleeping and more sleeping and resting and tv..

Got MJ kakis again but ended up rejecting the offer.. should be a right choice bahz.. As V-Day draws nearer ... i'm becoming moody again..

I told XiaoYun today that i think im more & more not suitable to get into a proper relationship.. seeing my friends getting stable and even going towards marriage.. i look back and see myself still indulging and still enjoying life, not willing to settle down, as i see more & more guys straying and feeling less faith in having relationships

In my life now, there is only but one guy who is in my opinion very marriable, though boring, though mundane

Someone whom i know V-day would mean nothing to him, birthdays would seem like a normal day as well, romance is not an important thing also.. but someone you know you can entrust yourself to..

We are seeing lesser & lesser of each other, yet each msn conversation seems much more comfortable.. i said i give up, i said i knew we cant be together, yet every once in a while, i will check back and be relieved that he is still single..

Is this love?

Or is it yet just another passing shower of infactuation?

If it is love, how can i still feel for soulmate? even being jealous for things?

If it is love, how can i still keep consistently wanting to go out and test other people?