Reprimandable Relieve

when they say that girls have the perfect sixth sense... it totally make sense to at least believe it.
den there is the reason why the phrase "saw it coming" exist..

u know something is wrong when things go the opposite way as it always had been. or at least i was sensitive enough to feel it. i am a girl.

throughout.. i din talked much, not that i wanted. but some stuff are just too long-winded to even blabber about.

when i say i was an introvert, i wasn't lying. throughout my secondary school life, i think i had a total of 4 clear cliques at least. there was always someone prominant within the group and it would never be me. But it wasn't something to complain about. i changed myself and my behavior in order to be more accepted. This was all part of the harsh social peer pressure phenomenon, something which cause me to regret up till today.
That was the thing that actually cost me valuable friendships too.

that was when my number-One flaw of my character appear: the unconditional evolution of oneself in order to suit the people around

NPCC played a major part of my life, also the place where i met some of the nicer guy friends i had, perhaps until now. even at tender 15 years old, there can be back stabbing & betrayal. the famous "Top-6" disputes, "SI" who should get, "Best Unit Cadet" by right was who.

The 7 people who played a part determining the positions for "Top-6", 5 felt I mixed with bad company, when all i ever did was after school played sports with the people from N(A) classes. I only realised all these when Baolai told me, only he & another person supported me to keep me in. And the biggest irony was, I was very close with 3 out of 7 of them. But only 2 supported me. Till today, I never knew who was the other one who knew me so well yet gave me the perfect stab.
Baolai thought I was sensible enough not to over-react, thats why he told me this. But the fact is, I cried all the way home.
*first taste of what is fake personality*

4 years passed by followed by JC. even during 1st 3 months, I could be so close to some ppl as though we have known each other for years and neglect past friends, or rather some whom have chose to distant themselves from certain of us due to the disparity of the prestige of the respective schools, or so in order to allow their new friends to accept them.

that was life.
i was sad. very sad. young @ the age of 16, u realised how friends can be discarded so easily and it was only when ppl did it on u that u realised how much hurt u had caused others before.
but then, lesson learnt, some facts are too late to reverse.
things lost, are lost.

then it was JC.. ok.. 1 clique only.. never that close to a certain extent, so never hurt to a certain extent too. I only remembered 1 incident in JC when I found out that Peide was saying something bad about me being the class rep or something I did not do enough, when I went to totally trash it out with him.
*first experience of "bravery"*
and also another incident which I had forgotten by now, but caused one of my best guy friend in the class to turn around and became the ultimate foe i can ever get.

i was really damn childish during JC

Then came the first bf.
Directly or indirectly, because of him, I gave up NPCC, though there was also the underlying reason of the change in OC. This, till now, I have regretted, to give up my CCA which accompanied me for 4 years in secondary school, allow me to have the best experience I can ever get and know the best people I can ever know, let alone Pulau Ubin, my then "2nd home".

Maybe he was too much of a listener, or maybe I was just young & playful. things din turn out well, in fact, it turned sore. Too much things happened to be mentioned here and conclusion is we broke up, he turned into a bad-ass and until today, he still push the blame of him becoming like this now to be my fault.
*I made him "realised" that guys shouldnt treat their gf nice, coz nice also no point*

*crap*

Den to proceed with my NTU degree education.

Came the ppl who purely seems to appear solely for the sake of screwing up my life.
Guys who were solely just suitable to classify as "companions" but not "soulmates"

The friends problem arose again. Now everyone was history. Hall friends were everything.
We eat, "sleep", "bath", study, supper, committee, tok cok, MJ, sing songs together.
How hard is it for people who does everything together to be close?

Year 1 stay was fantastic.

In 2nd year, coupled with the ex-bf problem, I made the biggest mistake in my whole life so far that I ever know. With a heart just seeking consolation, I allowed the most impossible of all person to fall for me, and i did nothing to stop it. But i paid a huge price when things turn sour, or rather when i "woke-up".

It sucks even more when u realised that the other party back-stabs u in all sorts of ways and angle with all possible sort of people. When the fact is, when other ppl ask u, the choice was to keep mum. Everyday you walked around, just being overly sensitive and not knowing what people are saying and all you could do was to swallow that wee bit of pride and the whole bucket of tears.
Lesson learnt: When ppl start to stab u & u just accept it, u will be stabbed to death.

End of year 2, the "JCRC" incident.

No one was at fault, no one was to be blamed.
If someone had to be blamed, it had to be me.
For not heeding Allan's advice & be selfish and apply both sides.
For wanting to be more close with Hall friends and giving up on EEE main comm.
For having a chance to try out CAC main comm yet nv took it up.
For not being "loyal" to my IIC main comm which everyone realised later that I tried to jump ship.

For having so many other possible options yet choosing to be psychoed and stay with hall.
Yet,
played-out
Left-Right-Center

That was the most horrible period of my hall stay. First the realisation of one of my better guy buddy who I could confine in going for the same thing, than the awkwardness, the disappointment, the trashing out session, the invisible hope he gave, the underhand going through and the friendship falling apart totally.

Den came the ultimate accusation that I was petty.
Petty.

Even though he is a guy, I should still be more gracious and take the initiative first, because he feels awkward. But when I feel weird, I am petty?
That incident, again, 50% reduction in friends.

Den, pretty expected, changed group again.
But the love for hall was gone.

Den came the 2nd bf.
Directly or indirectly again, I partially shifted out of hall by the end of yr 3.
With him, i had to have no more guy friends.
OR rather no more friends.
No outings,
No gatherings,
No alcohol,
No club,
even being involved in a camp meeting is just so hard.
this one was the direct opposite, not a listener, a controller.

Den 1 yr 2 months later, el could not breathe anymore.
And it was over.

Den came now.
Going through so much, I couldnt believe I can still just trust people so easily.
When el thinks u are her friend, she can tell u almost EVERYTHING.
though she knows u might not tell her everything.
When el thinks u are her friend, she can do for u almost ANYTHING she can.
be it money, advice, time, companionship.
*almost anything*

el no longer knows who to trust.

when el tells A, A tells B, B tells back el
& el feels hurt,
it means somewhere, something went wrong

according to Shan,
it may be a slip of tongue,
it may be personal opinions,
it may be out of good will,

but,
it hurts

friendships are important to me & when something goes not right with the friendship, it hurts me more than anything else.

in comparison, rejections are peanuts.

maybe its time for a switch again.
or maybe i should just close up my inner self to stop making myself vulnerable.

P.S i took like 2 hrs to blog a summarised version of my life entry